Relationship coaching

The Secret of Finding Mr./Mrs. Perfect

Like you, I also like to see a good love movie once in a while. However, lately I have started realizing that the wedding vows we hear in those movies additionally raise our expectations from Mr./Mrs. Perfect or The One to the point that this person doesn’t exist, at least not in one body.

I picked a few fairytale vows:

“…….you have been my best friend, mentor, playmate, confidant, and my greatest challenge. But most importantly, you are the love of my life and you make me happier than I could ever imagine and more loved than I ever thought possible. You have made me a better person ….”

“You were my reason back then, my reason now, my reason every day. You strengthen my weaknesses, bring focus to my dreams. Here and now I pledge my life to yours, that your dreams become my dreams….”

“If you grow weak, I’ll be there to fight your battle for you. I’ll help you with your responsibilities and make your problems my own in order to spread the weight a bit more evenly….”

According to the statistics we’re marrying 10 years later than our parents, in part because we’re trying to wed smarter and avoid repeating their mistakes. This makes the task to find Mr./Mrs Perfect one even more challenging.

When I ask my clients who are single what is it that they are looking for in a potential partner here is what comes up:

Expectation List:
  • Good looking and tall (surprisingly this comes first in most of the cases)
  • …to have a successful career and good paycheck
  • …to be between 30-40 years old (otherwise something is wrong with him); to be from 25-35 (otherwise she can’t give me kids or something is wrong with her)
  • …to be independent
  • …to be my best friend
  • …to be someone I can fully trust (to delete all the dating apps at least)
  • …to have a sense of humor
  • …to protect me
  • …to have his/her own identity
  • …to be gentle and caring
  • …to love my dog
  • …to share common values
  • …to support me in everything I do
  • …to be smart
The list goes on… (p.s. for some reason sex is left out)

Sex and the City

Let’s face it, we are living in a hookup culture where sex is consumed as the ice cream on a hot summer day, but it still seems to remain a kind of a taboo. Most of the relationships start from there and then hope that this can become something more serious. Probably, until recently, this very same couples who are dreaming of saying the vows above, were not even exclusive or dating officially for quite some time. In the app era the unfit partner become easily replaceable by one swipe to the left. The status on your social media can be changed in an instant: from In a relationship to Single. Options are too many and it doesn’t leave much space for learning how actually the relationships work. No matter what happens, we tend to keep the same habits and mindset and most importantly our comfort that there are so many options intact. Where this can take us? What is the learning there?

The Secret

I tend to think that we are looking for Mr. / Mrs. Perfect just so the task remains so unattainable and we remain ultimately for a long time protected from anybody to come close enough to finally be able to see that we are not perfect either.

I am wondering how are we becoming ready to give up our swiping options and suddenly become able to promise the fairytale??!! If we believe that one person should fit all of these roles, what happens when he/she fails at each of them? How much are we prepared for the compromises every relationship requires? How we can really get ready for the WE? How can we really get ready for giving vs taking?

How do you think about it? I would really like to know.

Relationship coaching

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